The Biden Presidency: Impact and legacy for guys named Joe
At the end of every presidential administration, pundits look back and evaluate its successes and failures, culminating in a nationwide spike in Bob Woodward television hits. Soon, the pundits will critique President Joe Biden on legislation passed, the Supreme Court, the economy, foreign affairs, technology, the military, the environment, the staring into the distance for questionably long periods of time, etc. Some will call him the new FDR. Others will say he had the wit of toast crumbs. I am not qualified to add to that discourse I can, however, confidently evaluate his presidency on one basis – how he performed as a Joe.
I have been a Joe all my life. As a Joe, I’ve met other Joes, and we’ve discussed Joe-related topics (such as always playing the male lead in the Nativity). I’ve taken an interest in Joes in pop culture (like G.I. and Cool). I’m well aware of history’s greatest Joes (from Haydn to Piscopo to Jonas). Did I ever think we’d get our own Joe president? In a lifetime where other presidents had bowling team names like Jerry, Jimmy, Ron, Bill and George, I thought we had a shot. When Biden was inaugurated, I didn’t know what it would mean for the nation, but I knew what it meant for Joes – our time had come. It was our 1Joement.
Each category that follows evaluates a specific Joe attribute. You may wonder, “What does softball have to do with being president?” Nothing. But it has everything to do with being a Joe. That’s what we’re looking at. Did Joe Biden faithfully execute the duties of the highest office in the land as a Joe?
Joes are your pals
“Hey, Joe,” is a thing people like saying. They like saying it because Joes are nice and will say “hey” back. You might think this applies to every male name, but you’d be mistaken. You don’t hear, “Hey, Ethan” as often, and for good reason. But you throw a “Hey, Joe” at a Joe, and you’re getting a “hey” back, plus playful banter. A Joe will reply, “Working hard?”, opening the door for a, “Hardly working!” Joes don’t just banter, they encourage dad jokes. This is just one of the many reasons the average person will go out of their way to have a verbal exchange with a Joe.
Is this president friendly? Listen. None of us are so naive to think you become president without also being ruthless. See: Reagan. In public, though, President Joe seems like the kind of guy who says, “Say hello to your mother for me,” which is a thing Joes say a lot. Just ask any mother. (And say hello to her for me.) President Joe has an easy way with everyday Americans. Maybe, say those with nice hair, too easy. But indisputably: He’s the kind of guy you can say, “Hey” to. (Imagine saying “Hey” to Richard Nixon. You can’t.)
Joes are dependable
If you have a problem, and you know a Joe, you don’t have a problem anymore. Joes figure it out. Or they know a guy. Or their friend Nick knows a guy. Either way, the problem gets solved. Words you seldom hear: “Joe was no help … Joe said he couldn’t do it … Joe called my predicament a personal growth opportunity.” I’m pretty sure almost all the guys who fought in WWII were named Joe, which is why we won. Joe took out the sniper nest. Joe threw a grenade in the tank. Joe volunteered to go on watch so Eugene could get some shuteye. Joes do what Eugenes can’t.
Was President Joe dependable? There isn’t a problem in the world he doesn’t think he can solve. This is a very Joe attribute. Where a Brian might look at the Ukraine and say, “Yeaaaahhhh, no thanks,” President Joe leapt into the hornet’s nest and was like, “I’ll help.” Joes will do something. It will not always be the right thing – just ask any Joe’s spouse – but it will be something.
Joes are good softball players
Fact: Every softball team in the country has a guy named Joe on the roster, and if it doesn’t, that’s why they lose. Most Joes play baseball as kids, which makes them good at softball as adults. Society expects that if your name is Joe, you will be good at baseball, and so we end up with a lot of Joe ball players based on the idea that one of them could become a Joe Adcock, Joe Morgan, Joe Tinker, Joe DiMaggio, Joe Jackson, Joe Carter, Joe Torre, Joe Niekro, Joe Garagiola or Joe Mauer. Parents don’t have the same outdoor recreational sports confidence in children named Cornelius.
During his presidency, near as I can tell, President Joe did not play a single inning of softball. He played baseball as a kid. Those skills would have translated. He’s 81. You might say, “That’s too old for a man to play softball,” to which I’d say, “Not if you’re a Joe.” Joe Niekro pitched for 22 years – five more than he should have. A Joe will never lack confidence on the softball field, no matter his age. I am aware that a line drive off the president’s cranium might lead to an invasion of Taiwan, but the older a Joe gets, the more stubborn. If he really wanted to play, they could have made a game happen and stuck him in right field. This was a big swing and a miss for a President Joe.
Joes love their families
One of the main people in The Bible is a Joe. His job is to quietly accept the mind-shattering circumstances under which he becomes a father and to then love his street preacher son unconditionally while busting his butt as a residential carpenter. Joseph is the ultimate family man. The course for all Joes is thus set. A Joe is a family man. Because Joes are known as family men, they often punch above their weight in terms of a mate. “Joe wound up with her? Really? Joe?” is a thing commonly said by guys named Brad.
Books will be written about President Joe’s relationship with his family. It’s a story of love, tragedy, scandal and also compassion and support. When critics ask, “How could he be so blind to his son’s faults,” those pundits fail to take into account that as a Joe, unconditional family love is a factory setting. As for the First Lady, she is a classic Joe spouse. The type of person who goes back to college in her 50s and participates in honorable public service. The type who leaves the Brads utterly frazzled.
Joes don’t think the world revolves around them
The thing about a Joe is they don’t need the attention. The name Joe humbles you. Look at the nicknames. Average Joe. Ordinary Joe. Joe Blow. Joe Schmoe. Regular Joe. Joe Six-Pack. Joe Lunch Bucket. A Joe is a worker eating a sandwich on a construction beam overlooking the city, not the guy who financed the building’s construction.
As president, you have to talk to people. It’s part of the job. But to what extent? In this case, let’s compare him to his predecessor, a man who never stops drawing attention to himself. This Joe has been a quieter president, often disappearing from the national consciousness for weeks at a time, which is what 81 million people were voting for in 2020 – a break. They wanted a guy who made it easy to forget we even have a president. HEY YOU READER RIGHT NOW THINK FAST — what’s one government policy thing the president accomplished in the last month?!? You have no idea. My point, exactly.
Conclusion
It is a classic Joe trait to believe in your heart you can do a job that no one else thinks you can do. It’s also a classic Joe trait to do the right thing in the end (see: Joe v. Volcano). If we were ever going to have a voluntary one-term president, it was going to be a guy named Joe. He did things. Maybe they weren’t the right things, but he tried, and when he wasn’t trying he was eating ice cream and being forgotten about. It was a Joe presidency, indeed.
If you enjoyed this piece, you may enjoy other things I have written.
I will never apologize for a portmanteau. Your groans only strengthen my resolve. My strengthsolve, if you will.
This is excellent. I laughed out loud several times. You need to read it on the Colbert show.
Poor Joe B. I really liked him. He tried and truly cares.
Sidenote: I had to look up portmanteau, and I'm glad I did. I always wondered how those words came to be. (And is humongous one of them?). Joe's are great. Never knew a bad one. One slightly weird, but it wasn't you.