Weigh-in Wednesday: Jan. 10, 2024

'I have been thinking a lot about food and weight and vacillating between caring and not caring'

I asked AI to make an image of “a bride and groom made of chicken cutlets” (this joke will pay off later, trust me) and for reasons I will never know it created an image with two brides at the same wedding who are holding bouquets of chicken cutlets. I’ll be thinking about this for a long time.

This week, I respond to an email from an old friend that gets directly at The Struggle.

It starts:

“I just wanted to tell you how much I am enjoying your columns about weight loss! I have always appreciated your humor and insight. This isn't the first time your work has resonated with me, and I really enjoy it so much.”

Flattery is absolutely the correct way to start any email to me. Bravo. Zero notes.

Let’s continue:

“I have also been thinking a lot about food and weight and vacillating between caring and not caring that I need to lose weight. I feel like things started to change for me around the age of 40 and I have been yo-yo dieting ever since. Right now, I care and I am actively trying to change my relationship with food so that I can lose weight and not feel like I am punishing myself.”

This is real. I've lived this. I call it the Caring/Not Caring trap. Actually, I've never called it that before, but it's what I'll call it now that I thought of it. I've fallen into the Caring/Not Caring Trap many times. On one shoulder sits an angel, nibbling a sunflower seed, saying, “Lose weight – for your health, for your family, for yourself.” On the other shoulder sits a devil eating an entire chocolate Bundt cake with two hands, saying, “The angel's an idiot. Eat the cake.” It's tough, because on one hand, you know the angel is right and you should live a healthy life for yourself and those around you, but on the other hand, the devil brings up some really good points about eating cake.

This Caring/Not Caring Trap is torture because if you care, and you're not healthy, you're semi-miserable. If you don't care, there is still some part of you that knows not caring is unsustainable, and you're still sort of miserable.

“I was definitely raised assigning value to weight (mostly, thinner is good and fatter is worse and if you're fat it must be because you are bad and/or weak and also make poor choices.) I have decided in my advanced age that I don't want to subscribe to that model anymore (and not entirely because I have gained weight and do not want to think of myself as a bad, weak, poor-choice-maker.) I also have the perspective now to see that when I was thinner it had nothing to do with me being good or making good choices. I was young with amazing metabolism. Now, I am middle-aged with hibernating bear metabolism. Also, not my fault.”

Hibernating. Bear. Metabolism.

I am shaking with laughter and jealousy for not thinking of that line.

The first time I tried losing weight for real, about a decade ago, disabused me of the notion that being fat can only be viewed as a failing. I barely ate anything, and I worked out a lot. For months and months and months. Tracked every calorie. I lost weight, but I didn't lose a ton of weight.

It was the first time I realized that I have a General Shape. I can make my shape bigger or smaller, but it's still the same shape. This was a bummer but also a relief because I realized it wasn't solely weakness that doomed me.

I suspect some amount of what makes people unhappy is thinking we have more control over things than we really do. This isn't me saying we are all hapless bystanders, and we should stand idly by while we're mauled by life. I think we can steer control of many things, like our health, but I also think it's good to acknowledge there are forces beyond our control. Genetics and age play a bigger role than anyone selling diets or food will ever acknowledge because it's not to their advantage. We are all a victim of the vicious machinations Big Cruciferous Vegetable.

“I have been using the Noom app to try to reshape my thinking about food. I probably won't be able to fully demote food, as I do strongly relate food to happiness, special occasions, fuzzy warm memories and traditions, and comfort. However, I think I can develop more productive and positive associations with eating less and making healthier food choices. I even sat down and brainstormed a whole list of food I love that is also healthy and low in calories (and, to your point, more expensive!) I am feeling hopeful and excited about making some progress and it is so helpful to read your experiences.”

I’d never heard of it, so I did some research on Noom, and it looks interesting. For those who have never heard of it: Here's an article in Forbes on what it entails. Long story short: It looks more thoughtful than the typical diet program.

As an Italian-American, I can assure you it is natural to associate food with happiness, traditions and memory. I think the older we get, the more we want to hang onto the things that connect us to other people.

My hack for social eating is to focus my attention squarely on the other people and not the food, which is not easy, because as my wife can tell you, the main reason I look forward to a lot of special occasions is the food.

I come from a people who, when you ask us about a wedding reception, the first words out of our mouths are about the quality of the breaded chicken cutlets. Then the cake. Then the appetizers. Then the bar. No mention of the couple AT ALL. (Were they even there? You wouldn’t know.) The whole event is seen less as a celebration of eternal love and more as here's what I ate last weekend while dressed nicely.

With parties, if it doesn't sound like the food will be good, I'm less enthusiastic about going, which is insane, because you go to a social gathering for the people, not the food, but all I'm thinking about is if I will still be hungry after.

To counter my obsession with what I will shove into my food hole, I do stoic things like force myself to think about the very last Christmas dinner we had with my wife's family at my mother-in-law's house when Jen's grandparents were still alive. I don't remember what we ate that day, but I remember grandma and grandpa, and how much we enjoyed being together. The following Christmas, after they both passed, I couldn't stop thinking about how the people at your dinner table seem eternal, until they're not. I think about the chasm between those two Christmases a lot as a reminder to treasure every moment I have with friends and loved ones. Nothing is guaranteed. The people we love are the real breaded chicken cutlets.

“Thanks for being so open! The thoughts and ideas you share make a difference and are so appreciated:)”

Thank YOU for such a thoughtful email. It obviously gave me a lot to think about. Everything you described is real, and the depth with which you talked about having all those feelings gives me confidence you'll get the outcome you want. As I’ve long said, Self-Awareness is Self-A-Careness. OK, I’ve never said that before, but it sounds good, so I am saying it now. Please write back in a few months and let me know how it’s going. We're in it together, friend.

Drum roll, please...

Starting weight: 187

Last week: 179

This week: 180

Goal: 170

I don't know how this happened. I ate the same as usual. My best guess is this is a lagging effect of my problems with Toe and not exercising for several weeks. I had a groove. I lost my groove. I am working on getting said groove back.

Shout-outs

• Laura wrote in response to last week's newsletter: “First of all, congratulations on the 1 pound. That's major this time of year. I lost .6 of a pound (thank you digital scale) and I'm good with that. Again, I have to laugh at what you write because it is like you live in my house. I always rant about the cost of healthy food - it's cheaper to buy a bag of chips than a bag of apples. And if you have a family and are on a budget, you need to get what will fill them up for the least amount of money. With my children all grown and on their own at least I can afford to buy healthier foods. I grew up in a family of seven children and two parents. We almost never went out to eat, but I do remember once or twice going to Big Boy, but I'm old so it was Manner's Big Boy and not yet Bob's - Mayfield Road in South Euclid. Good memories. Good luck this week.”
  
  Laura – yes, it was the one in South Euclid! Same one. I love this. If you live in Ohio, it is life's greatest joy to discover that you and someone else know the same people or have been to the same restaurant. I know that matters everywhere, but it matters here A LOT, and I can't explain it other than to say it's a life-affirming experience and when it happens it's all both parties will talk about for days. It warms my heart that we shared a Big Boy. I can still see him in my mind, facing Mayfield Road, the promise of impossibly sized hamburgers lofted skyward for all to gaze upon.

Do you want a buddy to check in with on some goal of your own? I'm here for you. Leave a comment or shoot me a message.