Nazis: Still Bad
We settled this.
I love America, which means that even though I would rather be writing about thing like why Ohio is the most popular meme state, I feel it is my patriotic duty as a citizen of the greatest nation in history to stand in front of this American flag (I am standing in front of a HUGE American flag) to let the word go forth: Nazis are still bad.
It feels like this shouldn’t have to be said, but I don’t know. If you fell asleep in 1942 and woke up today and read the headlines, you might think we lost the war.
For anyone who needs a reminder: After the first world war, Germany was taken over by a bunch of aggrieved megalomaniacs who methodically killed a lot of innocent people until America got involved and helped kick the snot out of Germany, Japan and Italy SIMULTANEOUSLY. All of those countries – amazingly – later became our friends. The German leader’s name was Hitler, and he blew the biggest first-half lead in war history and single-handedly destroyed his own nation, which he said was populated by a superior race of man, a theory his own actions proved false. When it was time for Hitler to do what he ordered millions of his own soldiers to do and face the business end of a Thompson Submachine Gun, he offed himself.
After the war, America continued defeating the Nazis in books and in the movies and on TV — for decades. In the America I grew up in, when a Nazi came on the screen, the audience reaction wasn’t, “Let’s hear both sides” or “I bet he’s just asking questions.” We knew the Nazi was going to do horrible stuff, but then things were not going to work out well for him, and although it would never make up for the tens of millions of people they killed during WWII, at least Indiana Jones would always remind everyone they were not good guys.
Comedy — with its power to mock — was inevitable.
When he wrote “The Producers,” Mel Brooks conceived the worst stage musical possible — one designed to fail — and called it “Springtime for Hitler.”
Dave Barry once wrote a column about how to argue effectively. When all else fails, he recommended comparing your opponent to Hitler. The idea was — stay with me here — no one wants to be compared to Hitler.
Now? We got people out there treating Nazi views like they’re a trolling fun way to get attention. Like saying “I love Hitler” is the same as, “A hot dog is a sandwich” or “I dumped my girlfriend because she does not use the Oxford comma.”
Nope.
“They actually did some good things” doesn’t cut it when it comes to a cult run by mass murderers with regrettable mustaches.
“Well, the Nazis built freeways” is a thing you hear. Oh, really? Well, there are serial killers in great shape, but no one’s giving them shoe deals.
Some social media users say and share Nazi things as a clout-building tactic just to get eyeballs because we live in an attention-based culture where energy flows in the direction to those who in earlier times would have shrieked on a street corner until the nice men in white coats took them away.
Saying the worst thing possible is a content strategy.
For others, it’s a belief.
We’ve reached a point where some people hear the words “Nazis committed genocide” and respond by saying, “Well, let’s unpack that.” I got news for you. We already packed it in 1945, dropped it from a B-17, ran it over with a Sherman Tank, and then your grandfather lit it up with a flamethrower and put his cigar out on it with the heel of his boot.
The last time America had a formal discussion with Nazis it involved the largest seaborne invasion and the most epic “You lose. Good day, sir!” in world history. Which, in the end, secured the right of some guy who wouldn’t last 10 seconds in the Ardennes to go on a podcast and say, “Well, actually.”
And that right there — a thing Nazis would never do — is what makes America great.
We will defeat your side in the greatest war of all time and then support your right to march through Skokie.1
True swagger takes unobvious forms.
As I stand here proudly holding a bald eagle in front of this American flag (remember – I am standing in front of a preposterously large American flag and I have now added a bald eagle), I want you to remember the famous words Gen. George Patton would have said if he was alive today: “Only in a great country like America can a man live to be 140 years old. Nazis — still bad.”
If you enjoyed this piece, check out: The Christmas We Saved Jesus.
I've had "Springtime for Hitler" on repeat in my head for the last couple weeks!! Nice to see I'm not the only person! 😂
Eagles are mean sumbitches. Be forewarned.