Let's fix the holidays
Reimagining a calendar that better serves holiday-loving Americans
There are things in life we all just accept. Like, somewhere along the line, it became OK for high school students to wear pajamas to school. We didn't have a long and agonizing National Conversation about how disrespectful it is to wear flannel bottoms and Crocs while shuffling through the halls of knowledge. Kids in public high schools used to dress nicer than office workers do today because, for decades, adults were hung up on things like dress codes. Until they weren't. Now we accept that 16-year-olds can dress up in public without displaying a shred of self-respect. Well, least they're not on Tik-Tok watching Set Your Home on Fire Challenge videos, parents must reason.
Some might lament pajama teens as an erosion of our norms – proof that things used to be better in this nation back when kids who were preparing for a life of working in factories wore patent leather shoes and starched shirts to school. I see pajama teens as a positive sign that we, as a nation, are capable of change, even when it comes to something so seemingly eternal as dressing in public differently than you dressed for bed.
See, I'm glad we can change, because change is needed. Not for any of the political reasons I'm sure you're thinking of right now. The change I'm talking about deals with life and how we can live it slightly better. It addresses an issue you didn’t know existed but has been staring you in your face your whole life.
Once again, we, as a nation, are about to celebrate two of the best holidays in the world in a dank corner of the American calendar. Whoever put Christmas and New Year's at the end of December/start of January has some explaining to do. These two holidays are celebrated at absolutely the wrong time of the year. You know it. I know it. Every Christmas song and movie that's about loved ones being separated by great distances and terrible weather knows it. When do we fight back? We fight back starting now.
Perfectly placed holidays
I'm about to offer you a plan. You will detect a Midwest bias in this plan. That's because when it comes to holidays, we in the Midwest go hard with parades, religious services and Jellos that are somehow labeled salads. No one holidays harder than the Midwest, so we call the shots. Don't like it? Move to Milwaukee. You'll see.
Before your brain gets melted by what I'm about to propose, let's run through a list of holidays that are perfectly placed on the calendar.
These, we're not touching.
St. Patrick's Day: In cities like Cleveland, St. Patrick's Day heralds the coming of spring and means winter is basically over – but not quite. Much like the Irish, the weather can be warm, or cold, or unpredictable from minute to minute. (I can make that joke … because I'm Italian1.) This is a holiday centered on a parade, and you couldn't reliably hold the parade if it was any earlier in the year, and if you have it later in the year the weather would be nicer and the whole thing would feel too Canadian. St. Patrick's Day is perfectly placed.
Easter: Shoutout to timing up the return of Christ with the return of our plants. 10/10 on the symbolism scale.
4th of July: Summer's halftime show. The perfect time of year to picnic, eat side dishes that are mainly BBQ sauce delivery systems and watch fireworks. Let us all be eternally grateful the Founding Fathers didn't found the greatest nation in the world on, say, February 9.
Halloween: Spooky holiday. Spooky time of year. Kids like it. Keeps them off the tablets. Ain't broke. Don't fix it.
The others are fine, too: Veterans Day, Presidents Day, Columbus Day, MLK Day, Juneteenth. All where they should be. They’re not the problem.
The rest of these we gotta move
New Year's Day: The start of our best season, summer, should mark the new year. June 1 is now New Year's Day. I know what you're going to say – won't this screw up how we count years and dates for record books? To which I'll say: Look, man, I'm the idea guy – we can appoint a blue-ribbon panel of calendar nerds to figure out how this would work practically. At some point, the whole world went from being on whatever calendar it was on before to being on the Western AD calendar system. Not every country centers its religion on Christ, but they've been incredibly chill about using the AD calendar. Anyone who was mad about it has been dead a long time, and we still have this system, which makes me think we can make anything work as long as we all agree to it.
A new year should be greeted with hope and promise and joy. That means, in the Midwest, we could reliably have New Year's Eve parties outdoors, and we could keep the celebrations going the next day with picnics, festivals and parades that are located outside of Pasadena, Calif. The beginning of summer is also when one school year ends and the next begins. It just makes sense. There are no good arguments against this.
Valentine's Day: Abolish completely.
Thanksgiving Weekend: We're moving it to the last Thursday of December and stretching it out longer for a very important reason – football. As Dictator of Earth, I decree we go back to a 14-game NFL season, with the playoffs starting on Thanksgiving Weekend. Thursday – we have two Wild Card games2. Friday – two Wild Card games. Saturday – one Wild Card game. Sunday – one Wild Card game ... plus NBA rival games all day long just like we do on Christmas now. Monday – for the heck of it, the college football national championship. HOW GREAT WOULD THIS WEEK OF SPORTS BE? NOW THAT'S SOME GOOD FREAKING THANKSGIVING.
New Unofficial Holiday Alert: That Thanksgiving weekend of games is a great way to kick off the playoffs, which culminate a few weeks later on Super Bowl Saturday. Yes, Saturday. It makes no sense that the Super Bowl is played on a Sunday. It would be much more convenient and fun for all of America and its vitally important advertisers to move the game to a day when we don't have to get up and go to work after drinking nine White Claws and eating our weight in buffalo chicken dip. On Sunday, we rest.
Memorial Day: This was intended to be a pensive and reflective holiday, but it has been co-opted by the holiday party industrial complex and turned into something fun because of where it sits on the calendar. Really, it's about honoring those who made the ultimate sacrifice, so let’s steer it in that direction. Now that New Year’s is June 1, Memorial Day no longer has to bear the burden of kicking off the summer. It's a day of honor, and we should all feel somber. I was tempted to place it in January, so the weather could match the mood, but Memorial Day ceremonies take place in cemeteries, and many of the folks who attend are older, so it makes sense to do it in nice weather — let’s go with last Friday of September.
Labor Day: We have a strategic choice to make because this one is really all about the issue of where do we need a day off from work on the calendar? That's why Labor Day becomes the last Friday in October. Yes, I keep putting these holidays on Friday. No more of this “holidays are on Mondays” stuff. We want the fine workers of this nation heading back to work two days AFTER their hangovers, not while they're having them. No one thinks these things through. Except me.
Christmas: The big one. You don't want to move it. You can't imagine Christmas on any other day. You think it's perfect where it is. But it's not. What you don't realize is: We're holding Christmas back by keeping it where it is. December is bleh, and Christmas is a great holiday – the clothes, the lights, the trees, the music, the gifts, the baby savior. It deserves better than bleh. Christmas is now August 25.
We will close out the summer with Christmas. Masses will be held outdoors, at night – maybe in large public venues like sports stadiums, maybe with big singalongs. Family parties and picnics are held on the back patio and in the sunroom on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. You throw the football around. The kids get together to play. No more winter travel nightmares, either, hoping the discount airline you rely on finally pulls it together (but never does). Very importantly: No more kids on break from school for weeks on end and you have to burn a third of your PTO to babysit. Summer break eats part of Christmas break. YES!!!! Right? Brilliant moves like this are how I gained enough parent support to become Dictator of Earth, guys. End of the day, Christmas is about welcoming Jesus into our lives/having some nice traditions that are about giving to others. It's a celebration with friends and family. Who says it has to happen at the end of December inside where we all give each other the flu?
Hey. Listen. I fully realize none of this is practical, but nothing awesome ever looks practical at first. If Halloween didn't exist, and I told you, “Hey, for one night every fall you should disguise your kids and send them from house to house asking strangers for candy.” Would you do it? Of course not. You'd call the police. I'd be put on a list. Inquiries would be made. Suspicions raised. Sanity doubted. But Halloween is a thing the whole country does, and we don't even think about it. On paper – terrible idea. In reality – a cherished childhood tradition. Change always looks impossible, until it's not. You’ll remember these words, some Super Bowl Saturday.
New Calendar for 2024
Jan. 15: Martin Luther King Jr. Day
Feb. 10: Super Bowl Saturday
Feb. 19: Washington’s Birthday
March 17: St. Patrick’s Day
March 31: Easter
May 31: New Year’s Eve
June 1: New Year’s Day
June 19: Juneteenth
July 4: Independence Day
August 24: Christmas Eve
August 25: Christmas Day
September 27: Memorial Day
October 14: Columbus Day
October 25: Labor Day
November 11: Veterans Day
December 26: Thanksgiving Weekend
And Irish.
If the Bears and Lions don't make the playoffs, which they probably won't, they get to play the morning game on Thanksgiving Thursday. I know the game wouldn’t count. The winner gets … a huge pile of money? We’ll figure it out.
This is hysterical.....and now I'm intrigued.
Amen!!!