Christmas songs are straight-up chaos
It's a testament to their beauty and to our love of the season that we don't dwell on it
Christmas songs are so woven into the holidays that it’s easy not to notice them. They’re ubiquitous – on radio stations that only play Christmas songs, on Spotify playlists, in stores and other festive public spaces. The same 25-50, on repeat, forever. When a thing fades to the level of background noise, you stop thinking about it. That’s the only reason that explains why we never talk about the absolute bonkers plots of so many Christmas songs.
You will never listen to these songs the same.
“Little Drummer Boy”
A boy is taken to a barn to play drums for a baby.
“All I want for Christmas is You”
Perfect girlfriend saves lucky man time and money by requiring not even a single Christmas gift.
“Frosty the Snowman”
Mischievous snowman comes to life, breaks the law, vows to return.
“O Christmas Tree”
Guy just goes ON AND ON AND ON about how great Christmas trees are. It’s like, we get it.
“Baby, it’s cold outside”
A man named Dean Martin wishes dangerous road conditions upon his community so that he can smooch it up with a woman who likes to smoke.
“Let It Snow”
A man (also Dean Martin) wishes dangerous road conditions upon his community so that he can smooch it up with a woman who likes popcorn.
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
A disfigured and deeply unpopular reindeer salvages Christmas from Santa’s lack of proper planning.
“Winter Wonderland”
Man avoids being in a committed relationship by offering to get fake-married by an imaginary priest that is really a snowman.
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Deeply irresponsible family lets totally hammered grandmother wander out into the snow where she meets her final reward; grandpa quickly moves on.
“Jingle Bells”
Man cannot stop laughing while taking a sleigh ride with women who are probably growing increasingly concerned.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Child witnesses mother commit an act of infidelity in the most emotionally damaging way.
“The 12 Days of Christmas”
184 birds and various other impractical gifts are sent by a demented admirer.
“Holly Jolly Christmas”
It’s a peeping-tom mistletoe fetishist’s time to shine.
“We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
A group of unreasonable revelers refuses to leave unless their demands to be served something called figgy pudding are met.
“Last Christmas”
Dude cannot get over a holiday fling gone wrong even though it is CLEARLY time to move on.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”
Get. Your. Act. Together. Kid.
“White Christmas”
Guy gets bored writing Christmas cards and thinks about snow.
“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
Christmas can be used as a distraction from your real problems.
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”
The excessive fruits of capitalism are a true blessing to us all.
“Fairytale of New York”
An emotionally unstable Irish couple has one last row.
“Deck the Halls”
An over-excited man decorates his hallway.
What did I miss?
I’ll take requests in the comments.
If you enjoyed this piece, you may enjoy other things I have written.
This is why I never psycho-analyze songs 🤣. Writers such as yourself do such a better job. Thankfully, your analysis isn't going to ruin my Christmas and I'm going to take this opportunity to wish you and your family a happy and blessed Christmas season.
Santa Baby!