Father, tell it again, of how Greenland won the war against the United States

Photo by Nicola Abraham on Unsplash

Hans, I have told you the story many times. How about another story, maybe a nice one about a fjord?

Please, father. Not another story about a fjord. I want to know of the war.

OK, I’ll tell it again.

The United States once spoke of making Greenland their own. This desire came as a great shock to our people because, as you know, Greenland is mostly ice and a lot of caribou slipping and falling. Many, obviously drunk. We said, are you sure? Are you really, really sure? But the United States believed it was important to control the Arctic after learning China and Russia thought it was important to control the Arctic. Some said that if enough ice melted, we could hold a key position along new shipping lanes. Someday. Maybe. They also said our seas might contain valuable energy resources. Possibly. Or not. No one really knew. It was weird.

America offered to buy us from Denmark, and they made the offer in a tweet. We did not see the tweet for several days because it’s all about group chats now. Everyone knows that. We eventually responded, “Nah, we’re good.” The Americans then told anyone who would listen we “weren’t being very nice.” They vowed to invade.

In normal times, we would have waited and wondered when an attack would come. But we no longer lived in normal times. The Americans posted their war plans in a review of a corded electric power washer on the Home Depot website.

And so, in the middle of winter, an invasion force of 50,000 soldiers arrived on our shores. That’s when the Americans got their first surprise: No one showed up to fight them. We may not be the brightest people on earth, but we don’t stand around on frozen beaches in the middle of winter. No thank you, sir. It was also the weekend of the handball championships, which we take pretty seriously around here. If they wanted to hang around on a sheet of ice in -40 degree wind chills, let ‘em. “We did not think it would be this cold,” one general told their cable news. The American government had fired its weather forecasters.

We refused to surrender, but we refused to fight, which led to a long stalemate. Their morale plummeted when they realized it was dark when they arrived, it was dark the next day, and it kept being dark, and the sun wouldn’t rise again for several months. I met a soldier — nice guy. With a faraway look in his eyes, he said, “I don't even know what’s real anymore, man.” I offered him a bit of fermented shark to lift his spirits, and he gagged. It’s an acquired taste.

The Americans made it through winter. That’s when they got their second surprise. They found out about our little mosquito problem, which is actually one of the world’s worst mosquito problems. “We forgot to pack bug spray,” the general later told a congressional subcommittee. The American government had fired its health experts. Entire battalions surrendered to any citizen who had a can of Off! Emboldened by our victory in the Battle of Deep Woods, NATO enacted Article 5 in defense of Denmark, meaning every NATO country was now at war with the U.S. Facing half the world’s mosquitoes and half the world’s armies, the U.S. declared victory and left.

The people rejoiced, even on the fjords, all the way to Ittoqqortoormiit, I am told.

Here we go with the fjords.

They are a marvel.

Did the Americans apologize?

No, but they did leave behind a Chick-fil-A.

Is it still open?

Not on Sundays, and the workers are stingy with the sauce. The waffle fries are good.

Other than that, the invasion changed nothing?

Not true. It raised global awareness of our magnificent fjords.

Father.

Some say the real winner was the fjords.

Again with your fjords.

There is nothing like them.

Why don’t we ever celebrate this great victory?

We tried to once, but they scheduled it the same weekend as the Under-17 Handball Championships. And that was that.

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