Weigh-in Wednesday: Dec. 27, 2023
Weigh-in Wednesday: Dec. 27, 2023
Your holiday dinner survival guide
It took me several decades, but I figured out how to eat at holiday parties in a way that doesn't end with me laying on the floor moaning.
If you're an Italian grandma, stop reading right here. This will only upset you. You can use this time to think about how to put San Marzano tomatoes in more things instead.
1. Don't eat before the party
With a 3 PM dinner, if you didn't eat lunch, you're starving. If you did eat lunch, you're full and suddenly you're eating AGAIN. Skipping lunch is the only way. I've gotten good about intermittent fasting, but before I was into fasting, I always took hunger as permission – no, an order! – to eat.
Slight hunger pang on Christmas morning? GIANT BRUNCH! But … we'll be eating again in a few hours. 55 SAUSAGES AND 55 BACONS AND 55 PANCAKES AND A PINT OF SYRUP WITH A STRAW. Why do you need all this food? Are you going out to lumberjack some trees? I HAVE TO PICK UP ALL THE WRAPPING PAPER AND BREAK DOWN THE CARDBOARD BOXES FOR WHAT COULD BE SEVERAL MINUTES. SAME THING. You don't need all this food. CHRISTMAS MORNING IS LAWLESS. IT’S ANARCHY. NO RULES. FETCH ME THE CHRISTMAS COOKIES AND BOURBON CREAM TO MAKE MY CEREAL.
2. Don't drink
Booze makes me sleepy during family parties, but it keeps me from sleeping at night after the parties. Anything more than a tiny glass of wine with dinner is not worth the trouble. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
3. Pace the apps
Whenever I see appetizers, my immediate reaction is to push down the slower and the weaker members of my family so I can get to the appetizers and shove the appetizers into my face and eat the appetizers so fast that I later don't remember eating them. This is, perhaps, the wrong approach. My new thing is to eat just enough to keep the “hangry” at bay, which sounds like common sense, but you're reading a newsletter from a guy who didn't understand how to eat food for the first several decades of his life, so come on.
4. No rolls
There's all this amazing food – prime rib, lasagna, Brussels sprouts with bacon, cheesy potatoes, breaded chicken … and OH GEE you know what would go perfect with that? A lump of flavorless bread. I don't get rolls, and I don't get roll people. And don't tell me it's for sopping, because then you're basically admitting the roll is essentially useless on its own. If you eat like a grown-ass adult, and all the food makes it into your mouth, there's no need to sop. Stop the sop, I say. Stop the sop.
5. No salads in the first round
Salads aren't the good stuff. They’re not a first-round draft pick. They’re the inside linebackers of the holiday dinner — pick them later because you know they’ll be available. You GO BACK for salad after you sample all of the superior non-salad foods and you want a little balance in your meal. Balance is fine. Balance is good. But if you're making less room on your plate for lasagna and prime rib just so you can have salad, we can never be friends.
6. Take half of what you think you need
This was the game-changer for me. I used to load the plate to its physical breaking point and eat everything in front of me in about 10 minutes. You can guess how that always went. Now I take half of what I used to take, knowing I will still eat it all in 10 minutes, but also knowing that there will be more available if I am still hungry in 10 minutes. The food's not going anywhere. This isn't WWII Russian rations. We're not mobilized for total war. There are no grain shortages. Grandma made enough to feed two families. The food will still be there if I want it. When I do want more, I take half of what I took the first time around. That's plenty. No need to go back for thirds.
7. Dessert the size of a deck of playing cards
With my low-carb, anti-sugar bias, you might figure me for anti-dessert. Not on holidays. We still must live, man. My superpower is I only need a taste of dessert to feel satisfied. It's always been that way for me. A cookie, or a scoop of ice cream, or a thin piece of pie or cake and I'm good.
8. Pat your tummy and loudly declare how full you are and how great the meal was
This will help prevent your mother from trying to slide half a tin of apple pie onto your plate when you're not looking.
9. Stand and move
This is the other really essential one. You can't eat 1,200 calories and just sit there. You have to get up, move around, make a coffee, go outside. The longer I sit after eating, the more tired I get. No good. Party still has hours to go, and that doesn't include the last hour, the one in which you said you'd leave an hour ago, but you still haven't left yet. Then when you get to the door, it’s another 30 minutes. If you’re from the Midwest, you get it. Leaving a party can take hours. You need your energy.
10. I don't want to end this list with 9 things
So, here is a 10th thing. This has nothing to do with eating holiday dinners, but when I'm at home, and I know I'll be tempted to eat again later, I brush my teeth for the night because I know I am personally lazier than food is delicious. If this saves any of you from eating even a single Oreo (sworn enemy of the toothbrush), the entire run of this newsletter will be redeemed.
Drum roll, please...
Starting weight: 187
Last week: 180
This week: 180
Goal: 170
It was Christmas. Totally fine. I think going back to the gym now that Toe is healed will help.
Shout-outs
Michell wrote in response to my piece on Toe: “Hey Joe, have you been eating a lot of red meat and/or seafood like anchovies or muscles and washing it down with beer? I know, sounds like a winning Browns game Sunday night, right? Well, this can cause Gout-a painful buildup of uric acid crystals in joints, most commonly the big toe. I postulate (ooo, big word!) your case of Toe is actually a case of Gout. Men can develop gout as early as 30 - 50 years old. Yes gout is a form of the dreaded arthritis, I’m sorry to say. When I read up on gout just minutes ago it said there are other causes of gout, such as weight and other stuff that would best be checked out by a professional, not an armchair doc like me. I’m glad you’re losing a pound a week now! That’s great! Today mom begins making the ‘easy cookies,’ but likely will freeze them immediately for peak freshness at Christmas, and also to keep my sticky fingers dad out of them. Then the ‘harder’ cookies, which basically need the dough to rest overnight. And then the rum cakes. And dad’s breakfast coffee cake. Then at the last minute the pies (I don’t like the kind she’s making). You see the problem for a sugar fiend like me. So, for the weekend, I’m not worrying about my weight. That will come. The next few weeks will be stressful enough, I don’t need to ruin the happy times by stressing about my size. Have the happiest of holidays with your family my friend! And congrats again on getting closer to your goal!!!!”
Michell – Good questions. No, I do not live what I would call a gout-y lifestyle. I don't eat a lot of red meat or drink beer at all – maybe one lite domestic a week, if that. I've been to two medical professionals, neither of whom would call it gout. This is where I would make one of those shrug emoji things if I knew how to make them.
Laura wrote: “So many things to say.....that's why I always got in trouble in school. My husband occasionally has flare ups of gout with no apparent triggers, but he also has RA so there may be a connection. I'm hoping the doctors you saw are aware of what it looks like and didn't see that in you. It's always easier when you have a diagnosis so you can get the correct treatment, so hopefully that will happen soon.
“As far as being taught in high school how to listen to your body rather than telling your body what it needs....do you think teenage you would have paid attention? I'm sure I wouldn't have. They also offer personal finance classes that teach how to save for your future. Then Amazon came along and made it easier to spend. I think only life experiences teach the really important lessons. You would think one hangover would cure too much drinking, but I'm sure most of us have had more than one of those.
“And this is a really rough couple weeks coming up. I host Christmas for my immediate family which has grown from a husband and four children to include two daughters-in-law and one grandchild. I host Christmas day for my siblings and their families (there are seven of us, six still living) and that has dwindled from thirty-something to maybe 17 this year. Some have made other plans, some are just staying home. All of this involves me cooking and baking. I am known for making at least ten different kinds of cookies so it's hard for me to break that tradition. When I am in my manic baking sessions the last thing I want to eat is a cookie. That's good....until after Christmas when things calm down.
“I have learned not to hate myself for what I eat. Overeating does not make one a bad person. But over the last few months I have changed the way I eat and what I eat, and I know if I start eating every sweet thing I see all those good habits I developed will be broken. I have to think about every single thing I put in my mouth before I do that. That is my hope. Merry Christmas! Enjoy your holidays and tell your mom and dad I said hello.
“And here is John Pinette after losing 100 pounds.”
Laura – thank you for the excellent note. You brought up a really interesting point. Would kids in high school heed good health advice? Here's the case for yes: When you're a teenager, there is this need to find a righteous and true way to navigate life. Teenagers can be very moral, which wouldn't be a problem if they weren't so annoying about it. (Oh, you think my life is a series of contradictions, do you? Welcome to a little thing called THAT’S HOW IT IS, buddy!) I think there's a window in there where the yearning for righteousness overwhelms the eye-rolling. It's how we ended up with Ayn Rand and Noam Chomsky.
Do you want a buddy to check in with on some goal of your own? I'm here for you. Leave a comment or shoot me a message.
Maintaining during Christmas week is big. I was also able to do the same, but this next week is a bit tricky. There is still a lot of food around the house, especially if you hosted, and a lot less pressure. It's easy to eat mindlessly. Fortunately I am watching my 2 year-old granddaughter, so there is very little sitting.
I married into an Irish family. They are very much into rolls (like every meal). A good Italian bread is a staple in every Italian family, but I have gotten away from that, especially at a holiday meal. I still put out rolls but avoid them completely. The kids who claim not to like anything at the buffet can always stuff themselves with rolls.
And as far as salad, well there's a John Pinette clip for that too. I tend to eat the salad first so that I eat less of the other foods. This helps especially when ordering pizza. I can eat a whole one so I try to have some salad first, and that helps me eat only half the pizza. Of course you have to add your own dressing or it defeats the purpose.
Good luck next week!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhi9jQGr2Dk