The speech I will give the moment I am asked to give a commencement speech

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is truly an honor for me to be asked by you, a college administrator, to give this year’s commencement speech at [NAME OF UNIVERSITY].

* HOLD FOR APPLAUSE FROM COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR *

When you asked me, just a few seconds ago, to speak to this year’s graduates, I took some time to reflect on what education means to me and how it helped me succeed in the “so-called” real world. What lessons did I take away from college? What is the value of education? What would I say to a younger version of myself if a college administrator asked him to give a commencement speech?

[NAME OF COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR], as I look out at you on this Zoom, I recall how different college was when I was a student. It was a simpler time. We didn’t have cell phones and the world wide web at our fingertips. We had a little app that we liked to call conversation. * HOLD FOR MURMURS OF APPRECIATION FROM COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR * Tick-tock was something a clock did. Twitter was something a bird did. Facebook was where your face was when you were reading a book. I am going to date myself here when I say this, but back when I graduated from college, YOU, sir, were ONLY in your early 50s. 

Boy, do I feel old right now.

My message to you today, [NAME OF COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR], is to dream big. Dream outside the box. Dare to find a speaker who won’t peddle well-worn cliches. You see, it’s not the number of breaths we take, it’s the moments that take our breath away. Because life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. So, dance like nobody's watching. Don’t wait for the storm to pass. Learn to dance in the rain. Like nobody’s watching. You’ve asked me to impart wisdom upon this generation. I say to you, [COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR] can you dream bigger? Is Ryan Gosling not available? Maybe one of the Kelces?

In life, you are going to fail. Failure is good. What is needed more than ever is for you to FAIL BIG. We live in a brave new world – AI, Bitcoin, tacos delivered by drone. Everything is changing. Take chances. Could ChatGPT give the commencement speech instead of me? Perhaps. And you wouldn’t have to eat an awkward box lunch with ChatGPT before the ceremony. You could eat both box lunches and no one would be the wiser. * LOOK AT COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR AND WINK AND RUB BELLY * High risk, high reward. That’s what a willingness to embrace failure gets you. In the immortal words Kurt Vonnegut never said: Wear sunscreen. * HOLD FOR WHOOPS OF DELIGHT FROM COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR * If you forget to wear sunscreen, that’s OK. Not wearing sunscreen is a failure. And failure is good. Failure takes you outside the box, which you might be surprised to learn isn’t a physical box, but a mindset. 

Of course, if you’re going to dream big and embrace failure, you must work hard. If you want a good commencement ceremony, you will have to work harder than any generation of college administrators in history. This is the hand you were dealt, but you are ready. I know you’re checking your email right now because this conversation took a weird turn, but you have an opportunity to remake the world through hard work. Hard work pays off. Just ask [THE NAME OF THE HIGHLY PAID COACH] of the [NAME OF COLLEGE] football team how hard he worked in [LAST YEAR THEY WON THE TITLE.]

* HOLD FOR RAUCOUS CHEERS FROM COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR *

I see you’ve turned off your camera on this Zoom. This is my cue to wrap it up, so I will leave you with one final thought: Be kind. Be kind, and the world will open up to you. When dealing with another human being, always remember they are a human being. They are not a box. If you see them inside the box, help them out of the box. If they prefer the box, leave them in the box. If they’re dancing, watch them but don’t. If they need sunscreen, offer them sunscreen. If they won’t take the sunscreen, recommend a dermatologist – but recommend one who is willing to go in the box with someone who is dancing poorly. Most of your regrets in life will be failures of kindness. 

Previous generations of college administrators prepared graduates by choosing graduation speakers who reflected back the values necessary for America to succeed in that moment. There was a time when that meant character. Then leadership. For a while, empathy. Nowadays, I believe it means admitting that one is invited to be a commencement speaker based on the achievement of a success that is noteworthy but was earned as a result of forces, opportunities and luck that will never again be replicated in history. Asking for pearls of wisdom from a generational talent is like asking the dog how he got the Pop-Tart out of the pantry when the pantry door was closed AND THE CHILD LOCK WAS DEFINITELY LOCKED, CAROL. The dog can’t explain how he did it. He just did it. Because it’s what had to be done.  

A commencement speaker is the dog who got the Pop-Tart.

And so I say thank you. Thank you for allowing me to speak with you today. Thank you for allowing me to share these thoughts during this brief time we spent together. Thank you for asking me to speak at the upcoming commencement. 

Enjoy … the good life.

* DAB SUNSCREEN ON NOSE AND PANTOMIME ESCAPING A BOX WHILE DANCING LIKE ELAINE FROM SEINFELD *

I can’t make it any clearer.

* HOLD FOR PROLONGED STANDING OVATION FROM COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR *

Anyway, the answer is no.

I don’t give speeches.