The Midges
Have been unleashed from the primordial depths of Lake Erie this most tepid Cleveland autumn
Do not stare directly at the midges.
Make no sudden movements around the midges.
If the midges see you, speak calmly so the midges know you are human and not a tree.
Slowly wave your arms to reinforce that you are not comprised of branch, leaf and root.
Do not wear green around the midges.
Continue to speak in a low tone, as you would with your spouse at a dinner party where you are both disparaging the host.
Pick up any small children whom the midges may mistake for shrubbery.
Make yourself look as large as possible around the midges. Consider a summer gym membership.
Do not run. There are midges in every direction you go, and they will take any opportunity fly up your nose.
Head indoors, if possible. If your door is covered in midges, camp outdoors until first frost.
Do not taunt the midges.
If the midges become angry, roll yourself into a ball but not a ball that looks like shrubbery.
Do not drop your belongings. The midges will crawl into their every crevice.
If the midges take your property, your property belongs to the midges now.
If a midge gets in your car, drive onto the freeway at top speed with the windows open while playing ska music.
If you hear a single midge in your home late at night, and you can’t find it, list your home on Zillow and begin packing.
If you hear a swarm of midges before you see them, count the number of pulses that occur every 10 seconds and divide by six. This is to keep your mind off the fear.
If a swarm of midges suddenly rockets you skyward, remain calm until such time as you can make safe escape at low altitude.
Enjoy the midges. They’re a sign of a healthy lake.