I went to the Coachella of tulips
We recently traveled somewhere many Ohioans actively avoid – Michigan. There are a couple things you learn early on in Ohio. We call our most complex jellos “salads,” anything over 35 degrees is considered “nice weather,” and when it comes to Michigan, maybe we only really need 49 states. Why get hung up on round numbers, you know? Square root numbers underscore a certain national confidence.
If you’re from Ohio and have never ventured north of the state line, you are obviously wondering: What was the stench like? Are there actually any maps in the state, or does everyone just use their hand? Was I injured by the unnaturally sharp angles of a Detroit-style pizza? Did I personally witness any members of the Michigan football staff cheating? The answer to all those questions is – yes, and so much cheating.
Our reason for visiting was something my wife Jen had always wanted to do: watch me drive through three different severe weather systems and eight total construction zones on I-94. (I’m from Ohio, so yeah, nailed it.) Also: she wanted to visit the world-famous Tulip Festival, held every spring in Holland, Michigan, which I would not have known ever existed but for the institution of marriage.
Marriage is why I have experienced the joy of olive oil tasting (hey, baby, this one also tastes like olive oil!), once attended an NKOTBSB concert (there were no men in the men’s room at any point at the 20,000-person arena) and have been to the Las Vegas neon sign museum (where neon signs of historical, scientific, artistic and cultural interest are proudly exhibited.) I enjoyed all of these experiences because I married the right person, so I was a yes on driving halfway across the Midwest to look at flowers we already have in our yard.
But they’re not just any flowers. They’re tulips. This is a very important flower with which Midwesterners have a deep emotional attachment.
When you see one, it generally means we’re done getting 10-to-16-inch snowstorms and are now only getting 4-to-6-inch snowstorms.
Tulips are a sign of spring.
Of Easter.
Of hope.
Their appearance throughout the Midwest harkens the transition from Indoor Day-Drinking Season Season to Outdoor Day-Drinking Season. If you see tulips, there might be a barbecue going nearby with some Bob Seger playing on built-in outdoor patio speakers. FYI: It doesn’t have to be Bob Seger – it can be any musician who sings about how life peaked at age 17. John Mellencamp, or Bryan Adams, for instance. Tulips mean spring and being outside and gatherings and cars parked on front lawns, sometimes intentionally. The tulips’ bright and vibrant colors remind one that it’s time to start mowing the yard again, provided whoever parked their car on the lawn can find their keys.
They take their tulips seriously in Holland, Michigan, which was settled by Dutch pioneers who arrived on the shores of Lake Michigan and declared, “Let us stop at this fine place and build an upscale summer getaway town for rich people in Chicago.”
The actual history of the Tulip Festival is a long and decidedly All-American tale, but it’s mainly important for you to know that 1.) The festival was started in the most possible way – by a biology teacher named Lida at a women’s literary club 2.) The first chair of the festival was, because it was 1929, named Ethel 3.) President Gerald Ford once attended the event, probably to remind America of the need to close “the tulip gap” with the Soviets. 4.) In case you were wondering, and I know I was, the Holland Tulip Festival has won the Tulip Festival of the Year Award from the World Tulip Summit Society. 5.) It would be weird to only list four things, so here is a fifth thing.
The total number of tulips is unknown thanks to DOGE cuts to the Central Upper Midwest Tulip Census Council, but promoters put the number in the millions. A word of warning for visitors: As an American, you may be strongly tempted to destroy part of a wondrous environment so you can throw it in the trash in a few days, but picking tulips incurs a $100 fine, we were told.
Repeatedly.
The history of the tulip is a fascinating one, and there is much to learn if you’re unable to quickly escape into a nearby brewery. 1.) Tulips originated in the eastern Mediterranean and were brought to Holland (the country, not the city, well, Holland is not technically a country, but whatever the Holland in Europe is) 2.) The first recorded mention of the tulip in all of human history comes from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam in a poem written in the late 11th century titled, “My wife planned our vacation.” 3.) The Dutch tulip bulb market bubble, which was caused mainly by “tulip bros,” was one of the most famous market crashes of all time 4.) The first tulips were brought to America by foolish settlers who were willing to risk starvation by planting flowers where food should go 5.) Here is a fifth thing, which is a callback, for symmetry.
On our visit, we saw many tulips.
Just imagine tulips like those, millions of times, and that’s Holland, Michigan. We spent a lot of time looking at tulips, saying things like, “They are very nice,” and, “Wow, so many,” and then later on my wife and mother-in-law ventured out on their own in an attempt to see even more of the tulips, which could be found along roadsides, in medians, on street landscaping, in parks and in gardens. Basically, anywhere you don’t see a tulip is just a place tulips will be someday, but the tulip people haven’t gotten there yet.
You may be wondering if I enjoyed this trip, and the answer is, yes. It was a delightful experience. People from all over the world and all over the country traveled to a beautiful small town in America to appreciate some flowers.
It’s heartening.
We took our kids so they, too, could experience the magnificence of boldly colored cup-shaped flowers. We asked them each what they will remember, and my son said “The Alien,” which was the carnival rotor ride at the town festival. My daughter will always hold treasured memories of our rental because it had a hot tub. This probably sounds like we failed to help the kids achieve botanical nirvana, but I’m just happy we weren’t fined for ripping tulips out of the ground, which is definitely the kind of thing people from Michigan would do.
More from Joe:
As an Ohio SKP, I declare that you won Substack for the day, or for an hour, or maybe just a few minutes, or maybe it was just an honorable mention for a very funny story.
For real, nice work, Joe.
I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp while reading this. Or maybe it was John Cougar. I can't remember which point of his career it was. I'd like to request a list of the top songs that explain how life peaked at age 17. But it can only be a list of five.