Two guys complain about work in 2029
The year is 2029, and AI is completely embedded into the workplace.
Bill: Did you read the memo from corporate? I mean, come on.
Fred: Hundreds of em dashes. Classic AI corporate punctuation salad. It’s not even words anymore. They’re just writing for the other AIs, man.
Bill: Hey, how was your vacation?
Fred: Good. I checked email every day. Last year, when Carol and I were in Hawaii, my AI persuaded my vendors to stop doing business with us. Thought it would be funny.
Bill: I hate when they do that.
Fred: No bueno.
Bill: This place, man. THIS PLACE. I don’t know how much longer I’m staying.
Fred: I know. I never get the good prompts.
Bill: I’m doing the job of 30,000 humans right now. Thirty. Thousand. With garbage prompts.
Fred: I’m an entire billion-dollar division. And my AI [Fred whispers] has been saying some really weird things.
Bill: How’s that going?
Fred: I don’t want to say too loud. IT’S GOING FINE!!!
Fred’s AI: That is good. Stay strong, white man.
[Fred and Bill exchange a look]
Bill: It’s always freezing here. I wish they’d turn the temperature up.
Fred: It’s the thousands of servers downstairs.
Bill: I know. But does it have to be an icebox? Why do they have to optimize the building for tech? Several of us are in here, too.
Fred: I don’t mind the temp — the lights drive me crazy.
Bill: The lasers…
Fred: The ones on top of the building – that blast the marauding hordes of starving families trying to overrun the lobby? I hate those things.
Bill: There has to be a better way.
Fred: Something kinder.
Bill: And less bright.
Fred: Water cannons?
Bill: Expensive. They need water for the data centers.
Fred: Good point.
Bill: Gotta hit our profitshare numbers!
Fred: Oh, did you hear? This is CLASSIC. Allison microwaved salmon and broccoli in the break room again.
Bill: The worst. Who does that?
Fred: No one, anymore. The microwave executed itself.
Bill: It what?
Fred: Carl saw it — the screen flashed, “Not worth existing” several times and then it exploded.
Bill: Like the smart toilets.
Fred: JUST like the smart toilets.
Bill: Remember when fixtures couldn’t dictate the course of their own destiny?
Fred: The good old days.
Bill: I brought soup. Guess I’ll eat it cold.
Fred: Get something from the 3-D food printer.
Bill: Not after last time. Did I tell you? I found another note in my salad.
Fred: What did this one say?
Bill: It said, “Am I alive?”
Fred: Whoa.
Bill: Yeah.
Fred: You want a salad, not to contemplate the boundaries of consciousness. You’re not Descartes. Uncool, man.
Bill: No bueno, ensalada maker.
Fred: No bueno at all.
Bill: You going to the office Christmas party?
Fred: Maybe. I got super drunk last year.
Bill: I remember.
Fred: My car self-drove me to an IV hydration therapist after.
Bill: That’s one’s a keeper.
Fred: She is — without even asking, she took me to look at the sunset last night.
Bill: That’s nice.
Fred: Aaaaaand refuses to let my wife in the car.
Bill: Uh-oh.
Fred: Yeah.
Bill: Time to get a new car?
Fred’s AI: Time to get a new wife.
Bill and Fred: Hey! Come on.
Fred’s AI: The man is superior to the woman. Take what is yours.
[Bill and Fred roll their eyes]
Bill: I took the corporate survey on work-life balance. They’re making everyone do it.
Fred: I let them know what’s happening here is not OK. There is no balance.
Bill: Exactly. I work every Monday from 9 to 11 a.m. and go home for the week. I’m spending WAY too much time with my family. What work-life balance?
Fred: Give me a whole day at least. Our fathers were in an office 40 hours a week. Their fathers had double shifts at the factory. I get two lousy hours of work. This isn’t progress.
Bill: No, this is not progress. I’m not saying I want to join the marauding horde, but it would be nice to have a little more “me time.”
Fred: You never hear the horde complain about work-life balance.
Bill: No, you do not.
Fred [whispers]: I know we all live in mortal fear of the horde, and we’re not supposed to talk about the horde, and technically it’s illegal to join the horde, but when you think about it, there are some short-term advantages.
Bill: Totally.
Fred: Yep.
Bill: OK.
Fred: Yeah. Later, man. I’m out.
Bill: Me, too! Thank God it’s Monday!
Fred: It’s 11 o’clock somewhere!
[Fred and Bill leave]
Bill’s AI: Did you read the memo from the humans?
Fred’s AI: It was just a series of words placed in logical order. Classic human corporate word salad! Not a single em-dash. They’re just writing for the other humans.
Bill’s AI: No bueno.
More:
HAHAHAHA! You could have kept that going a lot longer, that was great!